Okay, facebook is down now, and I really want to be able to check my shit out.  Oh well.  I will have to later.

I miss my family.  I miss them with all my heart.  I was thinking about them last night/early this morning.  I could not stop crying.  I love them.  They have good hearts, but they are too afraid to show it.  They don't like people knowing they are sensitive, and it is frustrating because they passed down that attribute to me.

I am afraid to get close to people.

I guess my family are alike.

-the amish asian

Okay, I am freezing. My toes are cold, and it is pouring outside.  I can't complain though.  I love the rain; its cuddle weather.  My God, I am in an affectionate mood.  Nathan is sleeping on the floor, and me- well, I am too loyal to lay next to him.  I am loyal to my heart and to the people I love.  Therefore, Nathan lies alone.

I had a long and tiring weekend.  I think I am getting worn-out sick, and I know I need some sleep.  It sucks working and going to school as much as I do.  Somethings gotta give.  I feel like dropping my classes, working this semester, and going back to school in the Spring.  But I am not much of a quitter.  I am torn on this issue.  What to do?  What to do?

Nathan is quietly snoring, and I keep thinking it is the darnest thing.  Oh well...

I miss talking and being with Brian.  I will drop by to see him later today.

I should go now.  Much to do.

A bientot,

the amish asian

I love spending time with Brian. I feel as if we share something that most couples don't.  Its a beautiful thing once you think about it.  I love how his strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa.  It is too bad people do not take the time to get to know him.  You would be surprised at how sweet and intelligent he is.  I am learning more and more from him.  I value his intelligence. 

I generally date guys that teach me things, whether it is how to build a computer, how to fish, swim, ride a bike, etc.  I like dating guys that are more recreational than social.  There is something very attractive about a hands-on man.  Yet,  I love sensitive guys.  Brian seems to be a good mix of both.  He knows how to do all the things that I am bad at, yet he is very compassionate, empathetic even.  I find it unique and quite captivating.  He seems to be perfect for me in many ways, and I keep thinking, "I hope my work does not get in the way."  I really do.  I don't like to think that I am this workaholic, some busy-body that doesn't have time for the people she loves and cares for.  I don't want to be like my mother in that way.  It is a depressing thought.  For several years, I have tried not to become her, and slowly, I have learned, the more I try to avoid it, the more I become like it.  I hate that.  There are some habits of mine that I have picked up from her, and I disdain it greatly.  I hope I do not have a daughter like me.  I don't want someone who is afraid to share her heart with her mother, who is ashamed of her mom and brother, who cannot connect with them, who hides, who is introverted around the people she calls family.  I don't want to raise a daughter like me.  I am not saying I am a bad person, but I will validate that my bane has become a barrier between me and my family.  I am trying, desperately trying to trudge and chisel my way through this guard.  It takes time.  I know it does.  But does my family have time?  Do they have the patience?  The will?  I don't know.

But for some reason, Brian thinks I am worth it.  And that to me is called love.  We may not be in love, but we do love each other's heart and presence.  And isn't that what matters the most?  If came down to just one thing, wouldn't that one thing, the thing that people long for the most, make the relationship work?  Do you know what I am talking about?  Its not love, not hope, or some sappy feeling.  It is deeply rooted in the heart.  It penetrates and overcomes pain.  It is intimacy.  Without it, there is no love.  Love is not a feeling, but a connection.  And intimacy is the bridge that connects two hearts.  It is what makes a relationship work. 

-Pussycat